Things Colt Learned in College

1 – Holden Caulfield is STILL not a good source of moral guidance.
2 – I cannot have flashbacks to events I was not alive for.
3 – Roommates are not practice dummies.
4 – Check that the gun is unloaded.
5 – Check again.
6 – Calvin Ball is no longer allowed in the quad.
7 – I am not to make anatomically correct snowmen.
8 – “Kissed on the A” is a school tradition that is not – repeat – NOT referring to an anatomy part.
9 – I am not to confuse science for magic again.
10 – I will not put unknown chemicals together in the chemistry lab again.
11 – Slingshots are not a bright idea in blow-up furniture galleries.
12 - I will not provide a distraction in chemistry for someone so he can melt all the tools by "accidentally" holding a stopper vial of hydrogen over my own burner.
13 – A kilt is not a fashion statement either.
14 - In the library, when someone accidentally brushes against me, I will stop recoiling and screaming "BAD TOUCH!"
15 – I need to return that seeing-eye dog.
16 – Bleach in the dormitory shampoo – bad idea.
17 - I will not reply to the professor when she asks me to do something with ‘Do you want fries with that?’
18 - I will stop reading in the Ben Stine monotone during English class
19 – Emperor Nero is not allowed to be my role model.
20 - You don't buy properties of matter in science.
21 – The professor’s desk is not a time machine.
22 - I will stop telling people that when you go on a blind date, you must wear a blindfold.
23 – No part of my textbook is edible.
24 – I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
25 – A PokeDex is not a CBL (computer based learning).
26 – I am not to challenge anyone to meet me “On the field of honor”
27 – “Supreme Dictator of the World” is not a long term goal to give my guidance counselor.
28 – I am not allowed to prove that I know all the presidents in order by singing the Animaniacs song.
29 – Same with the fifty states and capitals.
30 – If an idea makes me giggle for more than 20 seconds, I am to assume I am not allowed to do it.
31 – Zombie Grasshoppers are not something students need to be aware of.
32 – When operating ANY vehicle, bike, skateboard, or weapon, I am not allowed to try something “I saw in a cartoon”.
33 – Past lives are not taken into consideration for personal essays.
34 – When a professor calls on me, I respond with “Yes?” and not “You can’t prove a thing!”
35 – I do not own the Static Network, therefore, people are not to pay me for the channels they don’t have.
36 – I must stop telling people I will “beat them like a redheaded stepchild”.
37 – Especially when a redhead stepchild is within hearing range.
38 – No more textbook burnings in the quad. Ever.
39 – I am not allowed to show up, in full Kingdom Hearts costume complete with keyblade, to class.
40 – Not allowed to mock the dean’s decisions in front of the press.
41 – I am never allowed to give a few words at any ceremony again. Ever.
42 – I can not quote Dr. Seuss as a viable literary source.
43 – I did not create the universe.
44 – I can not take days off for religious purposes due to the world ending. …more than thrice.
45 – I can’t win people’s souls during classtime.
46 – I am not allowed to submit pictures of professors I don’t like to the Criminals of War board.
47 – Or to sexual predators alert.
48 – I am not allowed to debate whether the South won or lost the Civil War ever again.
49 – Alchemy as seen in FullMetal Alchemist does not exist.
50 - I am not allowed to threaten people with black magic.
51 – I am not the poster child for the Me generation.
52 – I am NOT a ninja, therefore, I will stop trying to assassinate people altogether.
53 – I will not roast marshmallows under the flamehood in the chemistry lab.
54 – I am not to lace the cafeteria food with any mood-altering drugs.
55 – I am not to spread rumors that the cafeteria staff does it, either.
56 – I am not to race forklifts.
57 – I am not allowed to use school property to bootleg anything.
58 – Small children are not emergency food supplies.
59 – I cannot rig the showerheads in the Fraternity/Sorority Houses with trace amounts of sodium.
60 – I must stop stealing government property before it becomes habit forming.
61 – My SCA name is ‘Daniel Fredericson of Cote Du Ciel’, not ‘Princess Anastasia’.
62 – I cannot compose awesome fight scene music for the bedroom.
63 – No more Princess Di jokes in front of the british exchange students.
64 – No one needs to know why I ‘just happened’ to have duct tape, fishing wire, and a lighter in my backpack.
65 – Aim towards the enemy.
66 – If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.
67 – Don’t be the first, don’t be the last, and never volunteer for anything.
68 – I cannot claim I am a gay puppet bomber during airport security checks.
69 – I did not write the Illiad.
70 – There is no such thing as a marching electric guitar.
71 – I shouldn’t worry about if Tide will get bloodstains out of my clothes while the source of the bloodstain is still present.
72 – If an attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.
73 – I do not have Gulf War Syndrome.
74 – I cannot kidnap myself, or demand ransom.
75 – ‘Dance Dance Revolution’ is not to be used to settle any disputes.
76 – I am not allowed to come to History class dressed as Indiana Jones (with whip) again.
77 – A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move bodies. But if you have to move your best friend’s body, you’re on your own.
78 – My sock puppet does not need to attend class with me.
79 – When a friend shows me before and after pictures, I am not to ask which is which.
80 – My perfect murder plan for my psychology class can not be ‘join the army’.
81 – It may be the oldest trick in the book, but it still is in the book.
82 - Do not get into a medical state you can't spell.